Today’s Writing is Thinking Sentence Makeover challenges the author’s word choice and scrutinizes imprecise transition words like “specifically.” This sentence was published recently in a top journal in sociology. The author writes:
- Scholars are beginning to explore in greater depth the multitude of influences over where people live and specifically to understand the complex bundle of factors that yield seemingly individual preferences for certain neighborhoods over others.
This sentence is the second sentence of a paper that starts with three typical academic sentences. The first sentence begins with a strong metaphor and runs to 25 words. This sentence is 35 words, and the third is 32 words. All three are chock full of 3+ syllable words: persistent, multitude, specifically, residential, structural, selection, investigation, perpetuate. This sentence contains several elements that I often address with clients.
First, it gives us a strong subject: scholars. I find myself adding the subject “scholars” when an author uses passive voice. (Most recently, I edited the sentence, “Text X is often seen as the first example of Y” to “Many scholars consider Text X the first example of Y.”) This change often prompts authors to recognize they need a footnote or a reference for their claim. But using “scholars” also raises another question: when should an author name particular scholars instead of generalizing to “some” or “many”? In this example, the reference is to a single paper, so it would be easy to use names instead of generalize. On the other hand, using “scholars” emphasizes the topic of study rather than the researchers, which is appropriate for an introduction.
What is the topic of study though? The central topic of the paper is: how do parents determine which neighborhoods are suitable for their families? Unfortunately, the author does not articulate this question in this straightforward way. A reader must reconstruct it from phrases that can bog her down, like “the multitude of influences over where” and “the complex bundle of factors that yield.” At its heart, this sentence and this paper are about compelling questions: What factors influence people’s choices about where to live?
Yet this sentence suffers from grammatical complexity and a lack of specificity in word choice. I often ask authors to be as precise as they can by presenting them with the core of the sentence: What is it to “explore influences” (not to mention, “explore in greater depth the multitude of influences”)? What is to understand a bundle of factors? What does it mean for factors to yield preferences?
I’d ask the author: what work is this sentence doing? Do you want to emphasize that an exploration is just beginning? Or that neighborhood preferences are complex and nuanced? Or that scholars have made headway in understanding a complex phenomenon? There is also a key (and unexplained) phrase, “seemingly individual.” This implies that neighborhood preferences are not individual. But I don’t know exactly what it means for a preference to be individual, nor do I know what the alternative might be. Does this idea need a little more space (a sentence of its own?) here in this introduction? Or will you elaborate on this later (and if so, does the “seemingly” need to be here?)
Finally, I’d challenge “specifically.” Academic writers often misuse certain words to indicate a transition. Other culprits include: “in particular,” “thus/therefore,” and “beyond.” What is being made specific in the case of this sentence? Writers attempt to link their sentences for their readers with these words. But if the writer is not crystal clear about the relationship between his ideas, his reader is burdened with extra questions: Wait, how is that a conclusion/specification/etc from what came before? In early drafts, writers throw in these phrases intuitively. It is crucial to revise with an eye for these details. What is the relationship between one sentence and the next? In this way, writing—and revising—involves thinking deeply about ideas.
To revise this sentence, I can visualize its structure across multiple lines:
- Scholars
- are beginning to explore
- in greater depth
- the multitude
- of influences
- over where people live
- of influences
- and specifically
- to understand the complex bundle
- of factors
- that yield
- seemingly individual preferences
- for certain neighborhoods
- over others.
- of factors
But ultimately I would choose to rewrite this sentence as several shorter sentences:
- Many factors influence people’s choices about where to live. Scholars are just beginning to identify these factors and study how they operate. Recent work investigates how people’s preferences for certain neighborhoods are shaped by institutions and society.
Academic writers often misuse certain words to indicate a transition. Culprits include: “specifically,””in particular,” “thus/therefore,” and “beyond.”
What is the precise relationship between one sentence and the next? In this way, writing—and revising—is to think deeply about ideas.
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